Humans & Werewolves & Vampires, oh my! A Spoof
by xLIVE-N-LOVE
Summary: The next installment in the Twilight Spoof collection, brought to you by the same girl who brought you Twilyte: A Spoof. This is a New Moon Spoof, in case you haven't gathered.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hey y'all! So, it's been a really long time since I did any spoofing, and I kind of miss it. I know I never put up the end of the Twilight spoof—I have it lying around somewhere, but I have to find it. Haha. Anyway, this is my New Moon Spoof. I'd really appreciate feedback from you guys because I'm writing this one by myself. I don't speak to the girl who wrote the first one with me—long story, but she ended up being a total bitch. If you have any suggestions or just want to help me out or even write a scene with me, I'd love it! I'm hoping that in this spoof I'll actually get to make fun of some other things as well as Twilight and its horrible, undeveloped, pedophile characters. Let me know what you think of this! If you like it, I'll keep writing!

xo,  
Natalie

x

Prologue:****

Bella: I'd like to open this shitshow by showing you all how deep I am. "These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die like fire and powder which, as they kiss, consume.

Scene 1 (Dream Sequence):

_Bella stands in meadow, mildly confused, thinking she sees her grandmother. Edward emerges from the shadows and comes to stand next to her, being all hot and sparkly. Bella and Gran smile. Bella is confused and shoots her grandmother a funny look. Her grandmother shoots the same look back. Bella comes to realize she's looking in the mirror and Edward pats her shoulder and pulls out his ipod & speakers and puts on the song "Dinosaur" by Ke$ha._

**Bella: **What the hell?  
**Edward:** Happy Birthday, Bella.__

Bella starts crying & wakes up in fright.

Scene 2 (School Halls):

_Bella walks into school wearing a dress reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland._

**Alice: **Happy Birthday, Bella!  
_Bella presses a finger to Alice's lips and shakes her head.  
_**Bella:** _Un_-Birthday, Alice. It's my un-birthday.  
_Alice rolls her eyes and sighs.  
_**Alice: **Did you like the beer goggles from Charlie and the box of condoms from your mom?  
**Bella:** Yea, they're great, IF ONLY I HAD SOMEONE TO USE SAID CONTRACEPTIVES WITH.  
**Edward: **What does this bitch want now?  
**Bella:** Excuse me?  
**Edward:** I love you.  
**Bella: **Just checking.  
**Alice:** Bella, you're coming over later for your birthday party. Don't complain, either, Mrs. Whiny-Do-Nothing.  
**Bella: **NOBODY LOVES MEEEE. ):  
**Edward: **Do you ever wonder why that is?  
**Bella:** What?  
**Edward:** I'm just saying. Maybe if you weren't such a needy bitch, fewer people would hate you.  
**Bella:** But… Everyone loves me. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME.  
**Edward: **… I love you.  
**Alice:** So I'll see you guys later.  
**Edward:** You know, an impish know-it-all is almost as bad as a whiny-do-nothing.  
**Alice:** And a guy with no testicles is worse than both. (:

Scene 3 (English):

**Mr. Berty:** (spoken with an obvious gay voice and the usual accompanying hand motions.) We'll be watching more of the literary classic: Gossip Girl. In today's episode, Blair fights to stay on top of the social chain when her old best friend Serena Van Der Woodsen returns from her mysterious boarding school in Europe. Serena is inadvertently stealing Blair's man and girlfriend is pissed! Reowr!

Scene 3.1 (snippet of what's going on on screen)

_Montage of footage cut and pasted together to show how two-faced the girls are and how stupid this show is._  
**Blair:** (to Serena) I'm so glad that you're back!  
**Blair: **(to other friend) She's such a fucking whore, why is she back?  
**Serena: **(to Blair) I'm not sleeping with Nate!  
_Shot of Serena and Nate waking up in bed together.  
_**Chuck:** (to everyone) I'm not gay! _He tosses the ties of his neck scarf and beckons to his stupid pet monkey.  
Shot of Nate smoking weed and ignoring everyone around him._

Scene 3.2 (English continued)

**Bella:** (watching Nate light up) Yo, he's got the right idea. Gotta get me some of that.  
**Edward:** Did you already smoke up your whole stash?  
**Bella:** Yea, I finished it this morning.  
**Edward: **That explains what you're wearing.  
_Bella's Alice in Wonderland-esque dress is gone and is replaced by a polkadot shirt and a plaid sweater and a striped skirt.  
_**Bella:** (horrible, whiny voice) You don't think I look pretty? (eyes welling with tears)  
**Edward:** You're… beautiful?  
**Bella: **Sweet.  
**Mr. Berty:** (still gay) Mr. Cullen, if you aren't going to pay attention, you're going to have to stay _after class_. (he winks.)  
**Edward:** I'm paying attention!  
**Mr. Berty:** What's happening, then?  
**Edward: **The girls are all bitches and dumb whores, Chuck is gay and Nate is high.  
**Mr. Berty: **Damn. I'll get you one of these days, Cullen. With hair like that, you can't be hetero.  
**Bella: **Right?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **So, I've gotten some good feedback from all my friends and I figure I'll just be updating whenever I write some more. I don't have a ton of time to be writing full pages of scenes and stuff right now—summer classes and stuff are super time consuming. What's everyone doing for the Eclipse premiere? Hahaha, I'm going out with a couple of my friends from school and we're going to go see the midnight showing. Psh, we're awesome. Hmm, anyway, I'll probably write a little more tomorrow if I can!

lovelovelove,  
-N-

x****

Edward: (a la JD from Scrubs) MOUSSE AND TWIST, PEOPLE. IT'S NOT GAY.  
_Everyone rolls their eyes and turns back to the movie.  
_**Edward:** You know, I always envied Chuck.  
**Bella: **… Why's that?  
**Edward: **He has a monkey.  
**Bella: **You could have a monkey if you wanted to.  
**Edward: **Esme's allergic.  
**Bella: **… You guy are vampires.  
**Edward: **Funny story, the chick that created us not only makes up rules about vampires, but she breaks them, too. I could get you pregnant even though I'm undead and have no fluids in my body except for venom. Did you know that?  
**Bella: **(holding up Breaking Dawn) YOU ARE RUINING IT FOR ME, EDWARD!  
**Edward: **I'm just sayin'.  
**Bella: **WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT RUINING ENDINGS?  
**Edward: **(pouting like a baby) Boys who ruin endings don't get dessert…  
**Bella: **That's right. (She pats him on the head and they turn back to the movie.)  
_On screen, all the couples are making out with each other because that's all they do on Gossip Girl.  
_**Edward: **Oh, you humans. I'm jealous.  
**Bella: **Why the hell…?  
**Edward: **You can have sex with each other without wanting to rip out anyone's jugular.  
**Bella: **You have two options: Either a) have sex with me and eat some pillows or b) change me and then have sex with me.  
**Edward: **Option A means I'd run the risk of losing you.  
**Bella: **Then go with option B.  
**Edward: **I don't know what I'd do if I lost you…  
**Bella: **Option B, Edward. Do you even listen to me when I speak?  
**Edward: **I'd have to go to the Volturi and ask them to kill me.  
**Bella: **That's a no.  
**Edward: **I could provoke them.  
**Bella: **Who are they, exactly?  
**Edward: **They're kind of like the Vampire Mafia, but they only take out hits on people when they break the law.  
**Bella: **What?  
**Edward: **Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.  
**Bella: **You think I'm pretty?  
**Edward: **I've seen better. I really just want to omnom your blood.  
**Bella: **Fuck. You.

Scene 4 (Bella's House):

_Bella and Edward pull up in Edward's driveway._  
**Bella: **Dad?  
_Charlie stumbles in with a case of beer in each hand.  
_**Charlie: **Bellaaaaa. I brought you a birthday present!(he holds the beer up proudly.)  
**Bella: **Great, dad.  
**Charlie: **I got you some beer to—to give to _me_!  
**Bella: **I said no presents!  
**Charlie: **… Even one you have to give back?  
**Bella: **No presents, goddamnit.  
**Edward: **You know, your selflessness is getting _really_ old.  
**Bella: **You know what else is really old? YOU.  
**Edward: **Touche.  
**Bella: **Dad, I'm going to the Cullens' tonight for some birthday thing.  
**Charlie: **If you're going to be having naked pillow fights, you should probably take pictures.  
**Bella: **Mom does want me to use that camera.  
**Charlie: **Make sure Alice is in all the shots!  
_Bella and Edward stop, tilt their heads and make concerned faces but do nothing else.  
_**Bella: **See you, Charlie.__

Scene 5 (Edward's House):

**Edward:** So, Alice went a little bit overboard. Just warning.  
_They walk into the house and there are people everywhere, strippers dancing on poles and girls carrying around trays with jello shots on them.  
_**Bella: **Fucking hell.  
**Rosalie: **Srsly?  
**Bella: **AGAIN?  
**Rosalie: **Srsly.  
**Emmett: **THIS IS THE BEST PARTY EVER! WOOOOO!  
**Esme: **Emmett. Inside voices.  
**Emmett: **(loud whisper) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELLA!  
**Bella: **Thanks, Em.  
**Alice: **Happy birthday, silly bitch!  
**Bella: **Was this really necessary?  
**Alice:** … I like parties.  
**Jasper: **Tell me about it…  
**Alice: **Want to see my party scrap book?  
**Bella: **Not… not really.  
**Alice: **Okay! _She runs and grabs her book, returning a minute later.  
_**Bella: **Alice, really…  
**Alice: **So this was Emmett and Rosalie's last wedding, and this one was our graduation party from a couple decades back, and this one—oh! This one was Edward's "Coming Out" party! Remember all the male strippers? Wasn't that a fun day?  
**Edward: **Alice, we said we'd never talk about that again.  
**Alice: **Oops!  
**Edward: **I think Bella should open her presents now.  
**Bella: **I SAID NO PRESENTS.  
**Edward: **Nobody listens when you speak, remember, sweetie?  
**Bella: **Ohhhh yea.  
_Alice hands her a wrapped box and smiles.  
Bella unwraps the present awkwardly and ends up with a paper cut.  
Everyone stops and is silent for a second.  
_**Edward: **How did you even do that?  
**Bella: **This is me we're talking about here.  
**Edward: **Oh yea.  
_Jasper launches himself toward Bella and Edward pushes Bella back into the glass table to defend her.  
_**Bella: **Oh, good, push me back into a glass table so I bleed more. My hero.  
_They wrestle each other to the door and go outside. Everyone else follows.  
_****

Scene 5.1 (Carlisle Fixes Bella's Arm)****

Carlisle: Do you want me to take you to the hospital?  
**Bella: **You are _so_ pretty.  
**Carlisle: **I know. (he tosses his hair.)  
**Bella: **We can stay here, can't we?  
**Carlisle: **Sure.  
**Bella: **So.  
**Carlisle: **Yes.  
**Bella: **Why won't Edward change me into a vampire? Shit like this wouldn't happen if he wasn't so stubborn.  
**Carlisle: **He thinks we've lost our souls. I disagree. How could a soulless person be as good looking as I am?  
**Bella: **Maybe souls are what make people super plain like me!  
**Carlisle: **Nah, you don't have a soul.  
**Bella: **Wh-what?


End file.
